3 Things

So I mention I'll be posting more in 2011, and it's already February, and I know the two people reading this blog are probably throwing up their hands and going "huh?".

The thought of posting has crossed my mind every single day. What I have to say was holding me back. I'm trying not to let it anymore.

So, to not air my full drama to the Internet, I will try to condense this as much as I can:

1) For those of you that love the kitties, I have to sadly report that Izumi passed on Christmas Day 2010. She was suddenly sick and not improving. Further testing showed she had Leukemia (not Feline though) and the prognosis was very poor even with chemo. I didn't want her to suffer anymore and made the choice to help her be at peace. She was a sweet cat, and I miss her. Unfortunately, other life changes really prevented me from being able to mourn her loss or give you an update.

2) I have been in counseling for the past 2 years. Most of you already knew that. What you didn't know is that while I started going for other reasons, it ultimately became focused on childhood abuse. That has impacted every choice I've made in life. Because of it, I've always felt emotionally fragile and not good enough for anyone. I spent 2 years having to face it, and now I am a stronger person for it. My family knows about it now, so I'm OK with sharing it here. Anyone who has been through this, know that it does impact your life even if you live in denial that it does. Please find some counseling or other type of support...it's scary and it's hard, but you are worth more than you think you are and you can do it.

3) I am currently going through (another) divorce. All I'm going to say is this is not what I wanted, but was his choice. Through therapy, I grew up from that scared little girl and now am able to stand on my own two feet. I'm not a "fragile flower" anymore. Sadly, he has not grown up and has decided he wants something different in life. After going through a month of this, I've realized I deserve better than this and I agree it is time for him to go. It's sad, it hurts, and it's hard, but I know now it's necessary for me. I have hope and I know I will heal. And that's all I really have to say about it.

There is a lot more to both points, but for the sake of people involved and who may be reading this blog, I will refrain from providing any "dirty details." One thing I've learned is that it's OK to talk about stuff, but you've got to have some tact when you do it.

But I've posted both of these because I feel like I need to, that's it's just another step in the process of healing. I also know that there are people struggling with issue #2 and terrified to say anything because of the guilt & shame involved in having that happen to you (actually, that could apply to #3 as well). I want you to know you are not alone, and that you CAN start to heal from it.

I would like to talk more about both points, but I'm not quite sure how I plan to do that yet. Password-protected entries, perhaps, or another blog entirely. Rest assured, however, that the kittehs and this site won't go anywhere.

And hopefully, after letting this out, I can really start the ball rolling with posts, cat-related and otherwise.

Rest in peace, sweet Izumi

Why I am doing this Part II - The Anxiety Rat

Part I is here.

So the other reason I'm doing this weight-loss thing has to do with finally being mentally prepared enough to tackle this issue.

After one unsuccessful marriage & the 2nd one quickly going down the tubes, I knew I had to do something. I've suffered from depression for years, and last year I was heading even deeper into that hole. I felt lost and alone. I suffered from extreme anxiety. To use a metaphor from Stephen King's "Cell"...I didn't have a panic rat gnawing around my brain, I had an anxiety rat chewing away.

In desperation for SOMETHING to change, I decided to try a therapist.

Our first visit began with me basically saying I was at the end of my rope with my marriage, my job, and my life. That I needed help with all of those.

Dr. Liz (my therapist) started me on my childhood history and basically said all my issues had to do with some events that occured in my life that I'm not quite ready to share with the world yet (though if you're a friend & you want to shoot me an email, I might share, but please don't be offended if I don't).

I, of course, had "processed" those issues and they were long dead and buried. I didn't really want to drudge them up again, but like I said, I was desperate. I hemmed and hawwed around the subject for a few months, until my grandfather suddenly passed away. Based on Dr. Liz's suggestion, I wrote him a letter to express my feelings & say goodbye & placed it with him before the funeral. That letter helped me process my grief in a huge way that I'd never experienced before.

From that point on, I knew I needed to trust her.

It's now been a year & 3 months since I started seeing her, and I am in such a different place than I was a year ago. I've had to journal, do workbooks, pray, read books, and write letters expressing my emotions.

You see, I have numerous issues. I've always had trouble expressing emotion and feelings. I've felt insecure & unworthy with everyone in my life, and I've let those insecurities dictate my opinions, my life & my marriages. I'd basically become a shell of a person with no opinions or anything of my very own.

How does this tie into my weight problems? Well, being insecure about myself was one reason I packed on the pounds. Fat timid people tend to blend in with the crowd. All of my emotions & feelings were processed with food, carbs in particular. I didn't feel worthy, so I thought "What's the point?" when it came to my weight. Who cared about me, so why should I care about myself?

Most importantly, I felt like a monster inside. I hated myself. I felt like someone no one could ever love, especially if they knew my deep dark secrets. If I surrounded the monster with a layer of fat, then maybe no one would get close enough to figure me out & expose the beast. I had bottled up 20 years worth of anger, hurt, & insecurity under that fat.

But I don't want to be that way any more. It was a comfort, to wrap myself in a layer of self-pity & fat. It was the only way I knew how to cope with my problems. But now things are different.

I've sunk to my lowest low and I'm moving on up to the prize of being emotionally healthy. I'm not there yet. I still have a lot of work to do. But I feel better about myself and now that I'm on the path to emotional healthiness, it's time to get physically fit as well.

I'm determined to make my 30s a lot happier and healthier than my 20s.