Why I am doing this Part II - The Anxiety Rat

Part I is here.

So the other reason I'm doing this weight-loss thing has to do with finally being mentally prepared enough to tackle this issue.

After one unsuccessful marriage & the 2nd one quickly going down the tubes, I knew I had to do something. I've suffered from depression for years, and last year I was heading even deeper into that hole. I felt lost and alone. I suffered from extreme anxiety. To use a metaphor from Stephen King's "Cell"...I didn't have a panic rat gnawing around my brain, I had an anxiety rat chewing away.

In desperation for SOMETHING to change, I decided to try a therapist.

Our first visit began with me basically saying I was at the end of my rope with my marriage, my job, and my life. That I needed help with all of those.

Dr. Liz (my therapist) started me on my childhood history and basically said all my issues had to do with some events that occured in my life that I'm not quite ready to share with the world yet (though if you're a friend & you want to shoot me an email, I might share, but please don't be offended if I don't).

I, of course, had "processed" those issues and they were long dead and buried. I didn't really want to drudge them up again, but like I said, I was desperate. I hemmed and hawwed around the subject for a few months, until my grandfather suddenly passed away. Based on Dr. Liz's suggestion, I wrote him a letter to express my feelings & say goodbye & placed it with him before the funeral. That letter helped me process my grief in a huge way that I'd never experienced before.

From that point on, I knew I needed to trust her.

It's now been a year & 3 months since I started seeing her, and I am in such a different place than I was a year ago. I've had to journal, do workbooks, pray, read books, and write letters expressing my emotions.

You see, I have numerous issues. I've always had trouble expressing emotion and feelings. I've felt insecure & unworthy with everyone in my life, and I've let those insecurities dictate my opinions, my life & my marriages. I'd basically become a shell of a person with no opinions or anything of my very own.

How does this tie into my weight problems? Well, being insecure about myself was one reason I packed on the pounds. Fat timid people tend to blend in with the crowd. All of my emotions & feelings were processed with food, carbs in particular. I didn't feel worthy, so I thought "What's the point?" when it came to my weight. Who cared about me, so why should I care about myself?

Most importantly, I felt like a monster inside. I hated myself. I felt like someone no one could ever love, especially if they knew my deep dark secrets. If I surrounded the monster with a layer of fat, then maybe no one would get close enough to figure me out & expose the beast. I had bottled up 20 years worth of anger, hurt, & insecurity under that fat.

But I don't want to be that way any more. It was a comfort, to wrap myself in a layer of self-pity & fat. It was the only way I knew how to cope with my problems. But now things are different.

I've sunk to my lowest low and I'm moving on up to the prize of being emotionally healthy. I'm not there yet. I still have a lot of work to do. But I feel better about myself and now that I'm on the path to emotional healthiness, it's time to get physically fit as well.

I'm determined to make my 30s a lot happier and healthier than my 20s.