Sigh...I suppose that with the good of posting here, there's also some bad. My counselor would be thrilled to know I am writing something, but she much prefers the tactile sensation of pen to paper. I consider this a amicable compromise.
I am grumping tonight, and in a major way. I think at least half of the problem is this cold that has sunk it's teeth in and I am frantically trying to EVICT before tomorrow night. And any attempt at sleep brings on layers of nightmares and random wakeups that end up causing me to test my zombie stumbling skills in the mornings as I get ready for work. I have been bouncing and going for about a year and a half now, and needless to say, I'm bone tired...so much so that my body just cannot seem to properly recharge anymore.
This is one of those moments where my impatience wants to take over. I KNOW that if I just trust in
God's plan, I will get through whatever is thrown at me. I know this because of the hell I have survived in the past year. If this falls through, it will not be the end of the world. I will cry a bit, then pick myself up and move on. I will survive. It's this trait I've been using for so many years that I know it will be there. Granted, happiness and contentment will fall by the wayside, but at least I will be able to slip that bag of boulders back onto my shoulders and shuffle on. No worries, I know the way on this hike.
Now what I want to happen, what God wants for me, and when all this needs to happen is a tangled mess of anxiety rats in my brain that can't seem to line up for roll call. Lord knows I don't want the past, I'm terrified of the present, and anxious for the future. Any sort of limbo or uncertainty is my kryptonite, and that seems to be in about every part of my life right now.
If my personal life could click together like my school life, I'd have no complaints. Other than Maggie feeling the need to check my face EVERY NIGHT to make sure I am, in fact, breathing. Or that I haven't eaten a home cooked meal in months and my house is a disaster. But you know? I could handle that if things would just go MY WAY.
*stomp stomp kick a cat*
(not really)
And breathing...alright, the tantrum is over for the moment.
Why does it have to be so hard? In school, you get an assignment, you procrastinate and goof off, you frantically throw something together last minute, and you smile as you see the A. Lather, rinse, repeat. How easy is that? Why can't something personal, like choosing a house, or organizing a holiday party, be that simple? And why can't "healthy" dating be that way? Oh no, my dear friends. Apparently I've had a lot of shall we say "abnormal" courtships in the past. This one, however, is supposed to be normal, and I apparently normal is not an easy concept for me. Go figure.
K really likes me. He asks me out on dates plenty in advance. I get the prime time Saturday night time-slot where we end up spending 10 hours together (talking, joking, all innocent, I assure you) and barely conscious say our good nights as we drive home. We practically emailed novels the whole first month we talked. Then he finally asked me out bowling, and the moment I sat next to him at the restaurant, I knew things were going to be OK. We have so many inside jokes after 3 dates. He makes jokes about "our future kids" and "if we were to get married." Our personalities are similar, and neither the cats nor the twice-divorced issues seem to be a dealbreaker for him, as did none of his family issues or lack of relationship experience for me. For our fourth "date" I was asked to attend a game night tomorrow night with his three (maybe 4) best friends, in a very couples setup. And of course I still can't forget the kiss...well, kisses, from our third date.
But I'm beginning to wonder about K's "fatal flaw." I have been amazed at how good of a guy he is in spite of his family history and I've wondered if there was something lurking underneath. He also mentioned he is a very solitary kind of personality, which is eerily like mine, so it's certainly not an issue for me. But he's had almost 0 relationship experience, and at his age, I'm really wondering why. I wonder if it's more of a barrier he's raised due to some of his own issues. I'm not sure yet if he is ready for the emotional attachment and needs of a real relationship. Our primary communication right now is text, usually every other day one of us will say hello and we'll talk for a bit. His cell phone reception is worse than mine, so I've only received one brief phone call. His life also seems a little chaotic, and I don't believe he handles stress well. Which does not work so well for me.
I don't want to bail out though. More importantly, I don't feel like I can fix him or I am his superhero. I like K for who he is. And I really like him and think he is an absolutely stellar guy who knows how to be a grown-up but funny as well. But at some point, if we can't figure out a way to ease into trusting each other and getting pass the formalities, we are going to hit a stalemate and because he seems to be the one who needs to move slower, that is on him. That has to be his choice, and I'm not going to nag him or push him to open up to me if he is not ready and willing to. No, K is not husband or fiance material right now with his communication skill issues, BUT that doesn't mean he can't change if he wants to. However, we will not move to any new levels until those issues are resolved.
Right now I'd just like to see us get past the formality stage of things and get a bit more comfortable with each other. Which may not happen until his life calms down a bit with holidays, a new house, longer work hours, etc. I think it may just be a question of whether or not we can work each other into our chaotic lives while also preserving our individuality. I think that's the first step. Then we will see if we can start trusting each other.
Told you dating was a headache. But spilling your guts right off and flying into a romance hurts far, far worse when you get burned in the end. That much I have learned.
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